Kyuso felt his cheeks go red, but he had already pushed the door open to the bedroom where Baern was staying, so it was too late to stop himself now. Perhaps if the fire demon had not noticed, but of course that bald head lifted itself from the pillows, and a pair of amber eyes blinked at him.
"H- hello," he stammered with a nervous bow, attempting to be polite. "H- have I come at a bad time?" he worried at his bottom lip.
Baern blinked slowly, letting his legs uncurl themselves from the blankets, the cool air hitting his skin waking him a little. He slept so much lately that his mind was rather fogged by sleep. He put his head back down upon the pillow, but at an angle where he could see Kyuso out of the corner of his eye, "Thought you weren't coming anymore."
"I... I thought you might not want me to come... because I scared you?"
"Scared? No, never scared." Baern recalled the incident the other night when the priest had kissed him. Scared had not been one of the emotions the event had pulled out of him, though there had been many, scared was not among them.
There was a smile in Kyuso's shaky voice, "I should have known as much... a man like you... scared of someone like me? Highly unlikely," soft steps told that Kyuso had moved away from the door, closer to him. "S- so it is all right to visit you still?"
Baern closed his eyes, since he didn’t have the strength to look at Kyuso anyway, “For so long as I am here, you can do as you want.” After all, who was he to stop the priest from using his own room?
“I… I hope you are not thinking about… those things you mentioned the other night?”
He sounded so heartbroken, and Baern did hate to hurt him further, but he had to be truthful with the boy, “Done thinking about them,” he stated with finality.
“You’re… still… oh Baern no…” Kyuso did indeed sound even further heartbroken, as Baern had feared.
“Maybe you shouldn’t come visit me if you’re only going to get upset, I don’t want that.”
“Well… I’m afraid that it’s not easy… to be happy when the person you…” Kyuso swallowed hard, “l- l- lo-… like very much… is feeling so terrible.”
“You said there is nothing possible.”
Baern referred to a comment Kyuso had made concerning the kiss. There had been a point where Baern had been willing to try a relationship, even one with another male, to see if it would work. But for some reason, Kyuso had declared that it wouldn’t work before he had even been able to voice his willingness, so certainly he had done something wrong to scare the boy off before they had even become a couple. He certainly had no hope if they were to become a couple.
“Really,” Baern sighed, “there’s no reason for you to be attached and care about me.”
“I… I was just saying what I thought you needed to hear.”
Baern scowled to himself, it definitely had not been what he had needed to hear, but the boy had gotten such things wrong in the past.
“Despite my wishes… I thought you wouldn’t like to reject me… so I did it for you,” Kyuso continued. “D- does that make sense?”
He tried to understand it, but he simply could not. “Not a bit,” he replied honestly, scowling into his pillow, “What you said was true, I guess… I guess we should just leave it there. I don’t want you to get hurt or upset.”
He felt the mattress sink beside him, just enough to accommodate the weight of the small boy, “I feel I should apologise again… for not telling you how I felt sooner. But… but I didn’t want to lose you… so… I tried to keep it down…” his voice suddenly took on a panicked tone, “I mean, keep the feelings down!”
Baern shook his head, which just resulted in rubbing his face into the pillow, “Why put me there? You don’t want to let me go but… you say it can’t go anywhere!”
“I suppose it’s because… I wish it would.”
The boy shifted, nervously, in that space so very close to Baern. Why couldn’t he just stop caring and let Baern die as he wanted so very badly to do?
“You didn’t stop me when I kissed you…” Kyuso murmured.
Baern exhaled the frustration that had built up, “I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”
“I’m sorry! I should have known you would have hated that!”
He shook his head again, wondering where in the world Kyuso had gotten that from what he had said, “You go so far, saying “I didn’t know” is a far cry from hating something.”
“Y- you didn’t hate it?” the priest stammered.
“I don’t know. My mind keeps telling me it didn’t happen.”
Baern really had no idea what was wrong with his mind that it absolutely could not register one male being affectionate to another. Apparently he had also been completely oblivious when Jenii had been affectionate with Pestilence – which had surely been more often than never!
“I’m sorry I come to so many conclusions. It’s just… you are not the only man you cannot feel his own worth… you know?”
Baern stretched his neck out so his chin rather than his face was against the pillow. From his position he could see Kyuso peering down at him, his feathery white hair brushing against that shoulder of dark cream, a faint blush on his cheeks.
“That used to be such a strong part of what I did know.”
The emotion of it stopped the sentence there. He wanted to say so much more about how his self-worth had been cut into ribbons because of the break up with Shana, among other things, but he could not manage it. Perhaps it was for the better anyway.
The priest’s pink eyes looked so soft, so sympathetic, “I know I’m not worth your affection either, that’s why… I came to the conclusion that you must have hated a kiss… from me… because… who would want one?”
“I supposed I didn’t help that conclusion, but I just can’t… I don’t know why I can’t…” Baern closed his eyes and hissed out a frustrated sigh. His mind was being terribly stubborn about the kiss and Kyuso’s affection for him even being possible, let alone hated or liked.
“It’s all right,” Kyuso had that smile back in his voice. His soft fingertips danced over Baern’s shoulder, then down near his collarbone, “As long as… you don’t hate me…”
Baern resolved to do something, anything, to prove that he did not hate the boy. He could not say it, there was no way he could bring himself to say it, but he had to do something!
He reached around himself and grabbed that hand. Then he pulled it around and under him, beneath his chest, tucking his head down against it until his lips brushed over those delicate knuckles.
”I think… a part of me… wants you to hate me,” he admitted, scared of that part of him shutting down his ability to speak. That part of him did indeed want Kyuso to stop caring about him, because it was the part of him that most wanted to die. But he could not do that so long as Kyuso cared.
“How could I hate you? It’s very difficult… when I’ve grown so very fond… and… it’s very hard not to just adore you.”
“I don’t want it to be possible, it would be easier to block it all out, push it all away and… just quit this life.”
“You know what someone told me once?” Kyuso, with his voice so soft, so easily turning upward into happiness, “They told me that nothing that is worth having ever comes easily.”
“But when you think it will never come at all, why try?”
“Because what else is there? If you can’t even ponder finding your own happiness, why not challenge yourself? Prove yourself wrong! Face it head on and set an example by being brave?”
Baern thought it over for a long moment, then finally shook his head, “I can’t… if you really do think I could be loved… I might be able to wait… but I can’t fight anymore…”
“And as I said before, if it is possible for me to… feel so… um… such adoration toward you after such a short time, who knows what pleasures will come to you in your lifetime? And more important, what joys you can bring to other people? I’m sorry to admit that it is very likely… that I could easily fall very much in love with you, Baern.”
Baern squeezed his eyes closed. He could not do that to the boy, not to anyone, but especially not to this oh-so-gentle priest who had been so wonderfully kind to him. If the boy cared about him, it would certainly be some sort of sin to upset him by committing suicide.
“Then… then can I wait with you?” Baern forced the words, though they were still very quiet.
“Of course you can,” Kyuso didn’t sound very certain, so perhaps he didn’t understand what Baern meant, but he stroked the demon’s face either way with those fingers Baern had captured near his face.
Baern moved into the touches, trying to focus on them. Perhaps then he could manage a better explanation, he had to try, for the boy’s sake if nothing else. “I’ll… try not to… be so pessimistic out loud… but I don’t imagine you’ll want to be with me past a few months and… then if what I think happens, you’ll see and let me go then. So killing myself can wait.”
“You are the worst, you know that?” Kyuso teased very lightly, “Baern… you have to be yourself, so if you need to be pessimistic, then I will listen to you and tell you what I feel. Is that all right?”
“I know…” Baern had to take a breath to get more out, the last thing he had said had drained him terribly, “I know a lot of what I do is to make true what I really think… but I’ve done enough to screw myself over already, so I’ll try to keep myself from doing that.”
The white haired priest lowered himself down onto the bed, somewhat atop Baern’s back, nuzzling the demon’s face with his cheek, “I’m glad if I’ve put you off doing something like that… even for a little while. I mean, you are saying that as long as I have feelings for you… you’ll stay here?”
Baern managed a weak nod, “I’ll wait with you… for as long as you still want me.”
Kyuso smiled, Baern could feel the upturn of his lips against his skin, and the smell of the breath that was pushed out over his cheek was so sweet, “Even… even if you don’t want me?”
“I…” Baern knit his brows together, trying to come up with an answer for that. He shook his head, “All of this, already, the hurting, the loss… there’s so much there… there’s too much in the way right now of being able to answer that.”
“All right, please, don’t worry about it,” Kyuso’s fingers lifted again to stroke at Baern’s face, over his lips, “What you have decided for now is more than enough for me.”
The boy’s lips came closer, bringing that sweet scent with them, and Baern had to close his eyes as the softness touched his skin. Kyuso lingered there, laying upon him, seemingly content to just breathe.
Baern could not argue with that, not for the moment.