Daze

~*~*~*~*~

Tanji tugged himself up the stairs using what little strength that was left in his arm. He paused at the door, head bowed, chewing at his lip. It was late, the apartment was dark. Sometimes on missions Tanji and Kesu would spend a night in Makai just to train, Kino got used to not waiting up for him. She’d be asleep without a doubt, it was well passed midnight.

He nudged the door open, shutting it silently behind him as he moved in complete darkness. Tanji knew where everything was, didn’t need to see, and there wasn’t that much anyway. A humble beginning it certainly was, hell he’d barely gotten the couch and dining table the day before

Exhausted, the little half demon let his sword fall to the floor, unable to carry it any further. It had been useless… he had been useless… powerless… He shook himself from it, determined to forget – which was impossible of course. He had to try, and first things first, he needed a shower.

Tanji relaxed slightly as the water coursed over him, but before he realized it the water had turned cold. Hmm, he’d been standing there long than he’d thought. He stepped out of the tub and rubbed himself off, almost angrily, slipping into a pair of shorts and wrapping the towel over his shoulders as he padded quietly into the bedroom. He tripped over the clothes he’d discarded and forgotten about. That late at night and bone weary he wasn’t terribly fastidious, even if he was a clean freak during the day.

Kino was laying there on her side of the bed, away from the wall and curled around a pillow. Kesu had left the bed, Tanji buying him a new one. How many nights had Tanji stayed in this very room, with Kesu sleeping where Kino was now? How many nights had the two of them traded secrets in the dark, laughed, sometimes even cried. How sacred it had all been. Now it made him sick, churning in his stomach and burning up his throat.

He found himself in the shower again, not knowing how he’d gotten there, but realizing from the awful taste in his mouth that he’d thrown up at least once, more than likely several times. Tanji huddled there at the bottom of the tub, the now cold water pounding annoyingly at his aching head. Everything hurt.

He drug himself from the tub, barely remembering to turn the water off. For a long time he laid there on the bathroom rug, just drifting, trying not to cry. Tanji forced himself to get up, stumbling into the bedroom, slamming his shoulder loudly into the door frame. That was enough to wake Kino, which his cursing surely would have done anyway.

“Tanji,” her tone was a little scolding, a little relieved, and a whole bunch happiness as he crawled up from the foot of the bed. “You okay?”

“Tired,” he mumbled, burrowing into the pillows.

Kino’s slender hand touched his shoulder, “You’re freezing, Tanji,” she answered herself by gently pushing her power and warmth into him. She tried wrapping her arms around him, but pulled back at his flinch.

“Hn… sleep… please itoshii,” he lost several syllables.

Kino made a quiet and tired murmur in answer, snuggling as close to him as she could, her power flowing naturally into him. It comforted him enough to at least slip partially into nightmarish half-sleep.

~*~*~*~*~

Kino pulled herself from the oddest dreams, noticing an even odder sound of water from within those visions that was in fact real. Her arm moved instinctively to the bed beside her, finding it empty. Amber eyes blinked to the clock, almost three in the morning. Certainly he’d taken a shower when he’d first gotten back, his hair had been damp and smelled of soap, she remembered that vividly. Tanji had also seemed a little bit in pain, but things often happened in Makai and she’d thought nothing more of it.

She sat up a little bit, gazing out the bedroom door. The bathroom light was not on, there were no lights on, the apartment was completely dark. Kino relaxed when she heard the water shut off, snuggling back into the velvet pillows, confident Tanji would be right back in bed. She was exhausted, Fridays always did that to her, as if they were by default a required exam day. So she drifted back to sleep.

Kino jerked herself from her daze, glancing to the clock again. Whoa, passed four in the morning, she’d drifted a little more than she’d thought. And very very oddly, Tanji was not beside her in bed. Worry chased all sleepiness away. Something was wrong here, she cursed herself for giving into sleep and not getting up over an hour ago.

Telekinetically, she turned on the bedroom light, closing her eyes before she did to slit them open slowly and let them adjust. “Tanji?” she called out.

“Go back ta sleep… be right there…” a very weak answer.

Damn he was a terrible liar.

Coughing sounds pushed Kino out of bed all the faster, throwing off the thick comforter and padding her way into the bathroom. She didn’t turn the light on, the bedroom light reflected well enough for her to find him.

Tanji was huddled in the corner between the wall and the tub, facing the door, knees pulled tightly to his chest. He was wearing his sleeping shorts, a towel tangled around him, but his hair was dry from what she could see. He curled there and shuddered, violently and repeatedly, his breath hard and raspy.

“Tanji… are you hurt?” Kino tried to move, found she couldn’t.

“I’m fine… go to bed… be right there,” he repeated, defenses crumbling, she could tell by his voice.

“Tanji look at me,” she demanded.

Vaguely, in the dark she thought she could make out something… Kino fumbled for the light, falling to her knees the instant she’d found it. Tanji instinctively curled back up, hiding his face, but she’d seen… even in the dark there was no mistaking bruises of that color and size.

Kino wanted to touch him, to get him to lift his head again, but in looking for a place to touch that wouldn’t hurt she found the bruises she’d seen on his face weren’t at all alone. Up and down those well-muscled arms were dotted bruises of the most livid colors… spaced as if they were from a very fierce grip of fingers. His one leg was twisted and swollen, she had to say it had been broken and hastily healed enough to get him home. She’d been a healer long enough to recognize wounds that well.

Suddenly she didn’t want to look at his face. If his near-frail body was this badly bruised, twisted and broken… no she did not want to see the damage to his face. But she had to.

“Tanji… look at me,” Kino repeated, this time tenderly, pleading.

Tanji took a shuddering breath and raised his head once more, one eye slit against the onslaught of the light, the other eye swollen shut. An extremely dark and livid bruise covered nearly half his face, marred here and there by grated wounds. There were gouges in his lip, slightly swollen, and his jaw and nose were most certainly not right.

Kino fought tears, reaching with both hands to place feather touches upon the most friendly looking patches of skin. That eye, she couldn’t stand not being able to look into his eyes, she had to heal it first. “What happened?”

Tanji whimpered, either from the healing or from the question, she couldn’t tell. By Reikai, this was Tanji, the tough little sonofabitch, sitting here broken and bruised on a cold floor at four in the morning. To see him, the one she admired most for his strength and that very toughness… she couldn’t fight the tears. She wanted to just put her arms around him, but she concentrated on the healing instead.

The eye mended slowly, the healing spreading slowly to at least reduce the horribleness of the rest of his face. The damage was so extensive, there was no way she could possibly heal everything without draining all her power.

“What hurts the most?” she whispered, looking him over again. Probably the leg, if it wasn’t rescued from that partial attempt at healing it would more than likely never heal correctly.

Tanji shook his head in answer, “Everythin,” he gasped.

She could hear in his voice what needed healed even more than his leg. Kino laid her slender hand on his chest, closing her eyes and seeking for that wound deep within him. A rib had broken and punctured his lung. It took a long time for her to correct the problem, and she was sweating when she opened her eyes, taking deep breaths to try and steady her heart.

“Come to bed,” she begged, unreserved, when she’d caught her breath.

In a very very cute and boyish motion, Tanji unclenched his arms from his knees and reached out toward her. It made her cry all over again. He was completely torn down, vulnerable, even lost. Kino gingerly wrapped her arms around him and helped him to his feet. It didn’t matter how lightly she touched, he still whimpered.

Something very serious had happened to him, she knew that for certain.

Kino helped Tanji into bed, propping herself up against the headboard slightly, settling him beside her and somewhat against her chest. She was so tired, it was hard enough to breath already, but she wanted to know if he moved again. Her fingers gently ran through his hair, finding even that made him wince. She stilled all her movements and just let him lay there against her, drifting to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~

Kino turned onto her other side, trying to escape the light, seeking Tanji’s familiar warmth to cuddle into. Again, it wasn’t there. She must have really exhausted herself with that healing to not realize he’d left her again. Sighing with a touch of anger she pulled herself from the bed, checking the bathroom first.

Tanji was sitting there in his shorts on the edge of the tub, bent forward with arms stretched across the closed lid of the toilet, head resting on his terribly bruised upper arms. His hair was wet and falling in strands around him. Kino knelt beside him, gently reaching out to touch his shoulder, hopefully where it wouldn’t cause him too much pain. He lifted his head, gazing at her apologetically.

“Are you sick?” she whispered, answered with a weak nod. She ran her fingers gently through his hair, wincing when he did. “What happened Tanji?”

Tanji shook his head this time, setting it back down upon his arms, but sideways now to keep looking at her. She tilted her head a little in response, eyes flickering to his twisted leg, hands following. She bit her lip when his eyes closed in pain at her touch as she sought for the center of the break, her ki flowing into him to soothe it as quickly as she safely could. Kino hated to see him in pain.

“Come back to bed, relax and let me finish healing,” she urged, “it would be more comfortable for you.”

He nodded a little, slipping an arm around her shoulders to help him up. She made sure to settle him down onto the bed very carefully with a towel behind his head to keep the pillows dry. Tanji closed his eyes as she inspected all of his body at length. Dammit, she wanted more than silence out of him, he had to tell her something.

“You’ve taken quite a few showers, three?” she decided not to attack the subject directly, he’d just close down if she did.

“Six,” he shuddered, and not from anything she’d done.

Six showers in just over that many hours, that was ridiculous. What could his reasoning probably be? Kino couldn’t think of one thing that would give someone the idea they were that dirty, let alone truly needing that many showers.

“These bruises on your arms look like finger impressions… someone grab you last night, hold you tight enough to bruise and beat you up?”

“Yes,” he was starting to get defensive, she had to back off a little.

“I’m very worried about you, Tanji,” her hands traveled slowly, her heat chasing away the horrible colors of the bruises.

“Hmmm?”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t go to Makai anymore.”

“Perhaps,” he winced.

She bit her lip and corrected what had caused him the pain. She hadn’t expected that answer and had touched with a little too much pressure. Tanji loved visiting Makai, she knew that. Had something happened that bad that he’d consider not going back? Dammit she needed more than one word out of him to read his tone.

“Where’s your sword, Tanji?”

“Dropped it… livin room floor… front door.”

He was relaxing, slowly, and the pain was receding too. Good, on both accounts. Still, he was shivering and sweating, a cold sweat. There was still a great deal of fear in his voice.

“Do you love me?” Kino’s tone went a little more tender, letting her hands fall into her lap, having healed everything – physical wounds at least.

Tanji’s ruby eyes slitted open, wearily. With a heavy-feeling arm he reached for her and drew her to his chest, “Of course, angel, love you forever.”

“Then why won’t you tell me what happened,” she tried not to cry.

Tanji sighed painfully, “I just… can’t.”

Kino pulled back enough to look at him, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. There were tears in those ruby eyes, restrained, shimmering. “Don’t you trust me?”

Tanji bit down upon the sob, turning his head away. Very gently Kino touched and guided him to look at her again. “Kino… I… I trust you… but I just…” he reached up and buried his face against her neck, “I just… can’t.”

He couldn’t fight the sobs anymore, his entire body shuddering with them, the emotion overtaking him completely. Tanji repeated it over and over, those three words, until Kino was hating them. He wanted to tell her, it was just hurting him, and he was always so self-conscious that expressing himself verbally was terribly inadequate by his own standards – no matter how much she tried to convince him otherwise.

“I can’t say it,” he trembled in her arms, eyes squeezed tight shut to at least try to slow the tears.

“Then think it… share the thought… or the memory,” Kino offered quietly.

Tanji’s eyes opened wide, staring at her in perfect horror, “Nooo, no no…”

“Why not?” she was getting angry, not at him exactly… he was so scared. Why? She needed to know what had him so damn scared.

“You shouldn’t… no… it’s horrible,” at least it was more than just an ‘I can’t’.

“Tell me or I’m going to go ask Kesu what happened on that trip,” Kino resorted to threats, regretting it immediately because it had frightened Tanji even more. She hadn’t thought that would have been possible.

“I’m sorry, Tanji,” she whispered, lightly kissing his forehead, above the jagan, then brushing her lips gently lower. It calmed his breathing to something a little slower than hyperventilating. “I won’t ask Kesu… but please tell me, please.”

“Time,” he begged, losing several of the words he wanted to say, but the basic meaning was there.

“Okay… okay Tanji, all the time you need… just promise to tell me,” Kino smoothed back his bangs.

“Promise,” his meek little voice answered, diminished to nearly nothing.

Kino just held him, quietly, listening to his breathing slow back to normal very gradually. She ran her fingers through his hair, dusting comforting kisses, shushing gently whenever another sobbing noise surfaced, when another shudder wracked his tiny frame. He’d promised, and even if she eased him enough to get him to sleep, he’d tell her eventually. She seriously doubted he’d relax enough for sleep, but it would probably be the best thing for him. She couldn’t believe he’d slept at all.

Still Tanji’s breathing progressively slowed even further than normal. Kino pulled back just a little bit, blinking down at him. It wasn’t entirely peaceful sleep, but better than nothing. He shivered and whimpered now and then, but Kino’s gentle shushing soothed those. It was Saturday, neither of them had anywhere they had to go, so she settled down with Tanji curled against her chest, just being there for him.

~*~*~*~*~

Kino’s eyes fluttered open suddenly, she hadn’t wanted to fall asleep, afraid Tanji wouldn’t be there if she did. But there he was, his familiar presence against her, his slow and even breathing hot against the bare skin of her chest. She lifted her heavy head to find the clock, almost eleven in the morning, several hours since they’d laid down at least.

She sighed and began a very slow process of untangling herself from him. If Tanji normally decided to sleep in she would have gotten up and fixed something to eat, letting him wake up himself. There was no point in trying to wake him, really, not if he was really sleeping. But this wasn’t a normal day, so she’d just go quick to the bathroom and come right back. This time she felt like she had to stay there with him in bed. Nightmares run away from you, itoshii, he’d once told her.

Kino quietly slipped away from him and off the side of the bed, pulling the comforter gently up over his shoulder and brushing hair back from his face. Only a minute, she’d be right back, maybe bring back some water for him when he woke up.

She left him there, somewhat peaceful sleeping Tanji, whimpering now and then, but sleeping fairly well considering what he’d gone through during the night. Kino was just getting that glass of water when she heard Tanji strangle out something much louder than a whimper, not quite a scream, but bordering that edge. She ran back into the bedroom, setting the glass down on the dresser and crawling across the bed as quickly as she could.

It took a minute to get Tanji back into reality enough to realize who she was, but after that battle was won he melded into her, clinging and gasping. Kino held him tightly against her until all the shaking went away.

“I… I’m… sorry…” Tanji’s voice was so distant, weak.

“Shhh, Tanji, it’s okay,” Kino tried soothing him.

“It’s not okay… none of it’s okay,” his voice was at the point of breaking.

Kino bit her lip and kept quiet. She could hear the need in his tone, his wanting to tell her, so close to giving in to it. Tanji shuddered and curled a little tighter against her, trying desperately for a coherent word.

“K… Kesu…” he finally managed to stammer.

Say it, Tanji, just say it, please, Kino silently pleaded, kept to herself and not available over their link. If she said anything it might raise his defenses all over again. She kissed the top of his head, squeezing him a little tighter in reassurance, running her fingers through his hair.

“I can’t… say it,” Tanji collapsed into weeping all over again, crushed by the fact of the words.

Kino gently caressed his face, tilting his chin for his eyes to meet hers. She was getting frustrated, but she wasn’t about to give up, not when Tanji was that close to actually telling her what had happened that had him this scared, this defenseless.

“Please tell me,” she breathed against his lips.

“I don’t wanna remember…” he whimpered

“But you can’t forget,” Kino chided very very softly. “Please… Tanji, tell me. You can’t keep this to yourself, it’s hurting you. I can’t stand… to see you hurt,” she admitted weakly, amber gaze shimmering with her own tears.

Tanji squeezed his eyes shut, his teeth worrying his lip. His voice was a whisper, strained and broken and weak, but accompanied by a very clear thought, “Kesu raped me.”

Kino sat there and blinked, not even seeing Tanji there in her arms, not wanting to believe what she’d heard. But it was there, in her consciousness, and she couldn’t deny it. A nasty taste rose in the back of her throat, her body trembling, searing lungs finally allowing her a breath. A tiny little sound escaped her, somewhere between a sob and pure and blinding rage.

Kesu had…

Oh… my… gods.

Tanji’s crying had eased, as if just sharing the painfulness of the experience taken it from him a little bit. Kino forced herself to focus on him, the rage could wait.

Killing Kesu could wait.

Tanji needed her. Broken and defenseless for a very damn good reason, but what the hell could Kesu’s reason be!? Kino forced down the rage a second time, this time with a little better success. She kissed Tanji’s cheek, over his eyes, beginning the process of calming him all over again.

She knew the problem…

…now she had to heal it.

~*~*~*~*~

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